who do you love?

I'm happiest with my cats. What does that say about me? Other than, of course, the fact that I have truly awesome cats.

I just watched the inaugural episode of Tell Me You Love Me. It was hard to watch. Mostly because it was so unflinching. I think that anyone in a relationship should watch this show. I truly do. (Insert graphic scenes of sexuality disclaimer)

Sometimes I feel that people just toss the phrase "I love you" out almost too frequently. Love is hard work. Love is painful. Love is eternally confusing. My first experience with the phrase was not, interestingly enough, from my own life. It was instead from an afternoon showing of Robotech on ASN. (3:30 every weekday. I'd just make it home in time.) It was Rick talking to that horrible Minmei. Why oh why wouldn't he open his eyes and see that it was Lisa he should be with? Anyway, that gave me the impression that love was something that caused boys to act foolish for stupid, vapid, self-centered girls.

Maybe the Macross universe isn't the best place to learn about love. But it is what it is.

yet another picture free post

So many times I sit here in my chemically altered state staring at this blank box thinking of all the things that I have to say but can't put into words. The chemicals are prescription, which makes the whole thing doubly frustrating. I CAN'T STOP TAKING THEM.

But they make me incoherent. Not that I was all that coherent to begin with.

I feel unloved today. I miss my father. I miss the mother I always wanted to have but never got.

the white pills keep you from screaming

Being crazy can be difficult. Self-identifying as "crazy" can get you into even more trouble. I mean, what kind of crazy? Depressive? Bipolar? Schizophrenic? Disassociative? Psychotic?

Crazy is fashionable. Crazy gets people out of all sorts of things. But what about when you really have a mental health issue? When you're really unwell, or, at least, when I am, I shut down. I don't talk to anyone. I don't go anywhere outside of my safety zone. I can't read. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't think straight. Telling someone about my ailment is scary. It's dangerous. It causes all sorts of problems for me. So many people pass judgement.

I'm currently at the beginning of my fourth drug regimen for my disease. It's getting to me. I understand that we need to keep trying things until we find what works for me, but the side effects are really starting to make me feel helpless.

What do you do when the cure is worse than the disease?